A mid 21st century horror story
Three Halloweens in America and I still havent understood the principle behind this holiday. It is understandable that the principle behind Xmas is to establish love between relations, friends. We know that the principle behind Thanksgiving day is to say thanks to all and eat turkey. It is known that the principle behind Diwali is to destroy the evil dark and bring out the hope of light in every one of us. But the principle behind Halloween? To frighten every other human being to death with nonsensical psychopathic movies and tv shows? Apart from kids getting candy and eventually reporting to dentists I dont see any other advantage for any other human beings. I think Halloween is a festival of dentists.
We have had draculas, aliens, omens, satans, summers, asteroids and Anu Malik depicted in horror movies. What would be the horror of the future like?
The year is any year between 2020 and 2050. It wont matter really if I mention an exact year, will it? As you know the Internet has really changed life of every individual in India. Though we still have pollution, population overflow and all such problems that we had 30-60 years earlier on the turn of the century, the Internet has been taking over steadily every aspect of Indian Life. The ITI revolutionized by installing telephones all over India. 90% of population in India now have telephone connection in their home. The remaining 10% consist of population from southern districts of Tamil Nadu, Nagaland and suburbs of New Delhi. Since the population could not be controlled anyway all the telephone booths were converted to condom booths.
People talk only in Java. They first declare what they want to say. If they have to repeat a sentence they just put it in a loop. If you cant imagine what is it like, here is a local MLA talking to his goonda:
Boss: jana = new Jana(); jana.ThaguduEngada();
Jana: boss = new Boss();
Boss: for (int i=1; i<=2; i++) Thagudu();
Boss: /* fires bullets and says to others: */ GarbageCollect(jana);
Human Astrologers have become obsolete. The Last Astrologer of the Planet was- according to History Channel- Deepak Chopra. By the way, the History Channel celebrated his 1000000th rerun of Hitler's biography. It was suggested that History channel be renamed 'Hitler channel' since it was more appropriate but the suggestion was turned down in 2015 AD.
Software engineering has become a bad word. So has MCA. According CNN India's recent survey every third person in the country has two MCA degrees and every two persons in the country is trying to get a third MCA degree while every two thirds of a person is trying to get one third of MCA degree while the remaining one third of the same person is trying to pass high school.
People are using Java 9.1.2001.1 version - that was a major revision from JDK 126.96.36.199 (Sun clarified that the 0 added in the middle signifies the major revision). Thats not surprising because everybody nowadays writes in Java. Suns vision of java becoming the universal language really materialized far more than expected. You can see java programs using JINI technology in application in Aavin Milk Depot, Panagal park market, Signal Lights, and the above mentioned condom booths.
People are identified by websites where they have home page. Thus Geocities Ramanathan is a completely different creature from Tripod Ramanathan who has nothing in common with Yahoo Ramanathan. But they still use their castes (after all a 2.1K year old system dont die fast right?). They use their father's initials only when filling up govt appln forms.
Ok so far we have not see any horror. Any dumb guy can imagine what was written above. But here is an account of horripulating dialog that I happen to overhear using my UNIX TCP/IP communication equipment: (also known as ears in Latin)
$ Hello Yahoo Sundaram Iyer. How are you? Its been a long time that we chatted on net.
$ Who? Is it Geocities Subrahmanya Iyer? Namaskarams.
*$ *I came here to talk to about fixing an alliance for my son Geocities Ramanathan with your daughter Yahoo Vanaja. What do you say?
$ I am ok for that too. Your gothram is bharadwajam. Ours is kalkigothram. So there wont be any problem. But our websites are radically different. Thats where I am afraid what other people will say!
*$ *Times have changed Yahoo Sundaram Iyer. Are you still in 20th century? Look, the "Jodi Porutham" is excellent. Lets finish the marriage asap.
*$ *Ok, I agree with you too. After all the customs are meant to be flexible when it comes to brahmins isnt it? Hasnt that always been our custom to break our own custom? By the way, whats your son doing now?
*$ *He is a computer engineer working in Guntur. My wife really wanted him to stay with the family but he says "Guntur has become real computer-savvy nowadays. Almost all Indian states have become computer literate except tamil nadu. Remember when Bill Gates visited India he came to all states except tamil nadu because the tamil nadu chief minister didnt want to talk to him because he didnt know Tamil? How can a state progress if all subjects including English are taught in Tamil?". I think he has got a point there.
Yahoo Sundaram Iyer gave a horrified look (Did I tell you that this is a horror story?).
*$ *What? Your son is a computer engineer? How dare you ask for my daughter in marriage? What do you think of our status? You know what my son Krishnamoorthy is doing in States? He is driving horse carriages!! Vanaja herself has a degree in Horse-Foods. Krishnamoorthy wants her to be there also. Can your son earn a decent pay in America by writing worthless computer programs? Of course not. Does he atleast know to ride horses?"
$ Geocities Subrahmanya Iyer put his head down in shame "No he doesnt know to ride horses".
*-*I am extremely sorry Mr.Geocities Subrahmanya Iyer. I really would like to let my girl in good hands, who earns lot of money driving horse-carriages or bullock-carts in US than he who earns in the computer field. Bye".
You may try to reason, despite that this is a horror story- Why would horse-carriages would be suddenly so popular?
And that is exactly the horror story that you missed between the 1999 AD and 2020 AD:
The Solar flare that was not a result of a hollywood imagination burned out most of oil in the world between 2010 and 2015 AD. Gas resources were completely evaporated. Whatever oil remained in the middle east also burned out when some guy misfired a missile at himself. I forgot his name - I will check up with the History Channel - they are supposed to rerun his biography the 1000th time today. Some companies tried to bring out battery operated cars but failed. So America, always the first to catch on technology, introduced a new way of carrying people around: "Horse carriages". This might well be called the invention of the century. Since horses were reproduced by cloning there were no dearth of them. The Texas based "Four Legs, a Tail and a Ranch Corporation" patented the cloning of horses. Soon horse-mating became obsolete. The courtship of the horses where witnessed only during specially organized festivals. But the CEO of "Four Legs, a Tail and a Ranch Corporation" didnt know what to do with his horses. Soon the American company "Barn & Co" bought the Texan company and patented horse carriages of all kinds, including the 17th century Russian Troika. So all countries now have to pay a lease to them. It is also well known that "Food & Co" - a sister company of Barn & Co. patented most of the food items like rice, turmeric, tamarind and mother's milk. They "invented" that mothers milk is most nutritious milk in nature and patented it. Since then all American mothers have to pay a lease to this company to breast-feed their babies. But the mothers of the east still illegally feed their babies without paying any amount to this company. Thus driving horse carriages has become a most wanted prestigious and lucrative job in US. Immigrants from all over the world come here and get a job and become rich. One of them is our Yahoo Krishnamoorthy.
And just when you are screaming out of imagination here is the horror story from our Sports Desk: Live report by Prem Panicker
Desis take the World Series Trophy
The name "World Series" for Baseball finally has got a whole new meaning and dimension: Now Baseball really is game played all over the world. The Desis who settled in America slowly began to like this game and with their inherent and prenatal talent of throwing stones at the Mango trees, they were able to pitch very well. The NRIs popularized this game in India whenever they visited their beloved home country. Soon it caught up and many talented sportsmen like Tendulkar- son of former captain of the then existing cricket _(a game which is an off-shoot of baseball formerly played in India)_team Sachin Tendulkar, began to play for Desis. Soon they formed their own team. And started beating all the local state teams. And yesterday was their final between Yankees and Desis. In which the latter beat Yankees comprehensively.